Now Everyone Can Be Unhappy

Down with DOMA, let everyone be unhappy

Death by Party | The Death Of DOMA

In light of the very exciting overturning of the Defense of Marriage Act, I submit, for your consideration, a list of issues much more threatening to the institution of marriage than the gays that we should outlaw immediately:

Having Children

Nothing sucks the romance out of a relationship like a 24 hour a day screaming, pink lump of food consuming, diaper soiling sleep deprivation. You want to protect the sanctity and honor of marriage? Prevent happy couples from opening their love up to the never-ending onslaught of financial worry, mind numbing chatter and big important decisions that bringing a baby into the mix always provides. Let us use our legislative powers to protect the sex lives, free time and bank accounts of all married couples.

Having Parents

How is any half of a ‘til death do us part’ arrangement supposed to keep on loving and honoring their spouse if they have to keep putting up with their in-laws? At its core, getting married is just the final “fuck you” to your parents. Screw you guys, I’m making my own damn family. Doesn’t it just nullify the whole process when you inherit an ADDITIONAL set of outdated know-it-alls that you have to sit through holiday dinners with? Think of the marriage destroying fights and weekend scheduling conflicts that we would all be spared if people who wanted to get married just couldn’t have parents anymore! You want to say “I do”? Time to euthanize dear old mom and dad…

Monogamy

Marriage is hard. Mostly because you have to stare at one face, one set of tits, one wang, one ass, one twat, etc. etc. and so on, for the rest of your life. That’s depressing. And tiresome. And just asking for one spouse or the other to eventually give in and bang their hot neighbor rather than slip into a lust less torpor for the rest of their existence. Some dude on the internet told me that 20% of marriages are sexless. T-W-E-N-T-Y P-E-R-C-E-N-T. Google also told me that around half of married people will admit to some form of infidelity at some point in their marriage. This is a sign from god, y’all. Monogamy is clearly not the way (or at least not the way we are willing to go) so let’s eliminate the middle man and outlaw it altogether. Sure it says something about it somewhere in the bible but everyone knows you only use that old book when it suits your purposes and the people have spoken: Monogamy is NOT the answer.

Money

If we are going run around making laws forbidding things that threaten marriage, I cannot believe we didn’t start with money. Married people fight about money. They fight about who makes it, how many hours it takes to earn it, what they should spend it on, who it belongs to, whose fault it is when they run out of it… blah, blah, blah, it almost always comes down to money. It’s just like Biggie said, “mo’ money, mo’ problems”. I bet 80% of all marital strife would be eliminated if money were no longer in the picture. Those kind of speculative, made up numbers don’t lie- money is the number one threat to the institution of marriage. How can young couples be expected to make good on their vows if they are

constantly burdened with the stresses of jobs and paychecks and debt? Legal tender and all of its associated evils are infiltrating our sacred bonds of matrimony and seriously pissing god off when it makes us all get divorced. Vote now to end the reign of the almighty dollar and its relentless assault on the traditional family unit!

Now that we’ve done away with this silly gay marriage hullabaloo I hope that we, the American people, can take to the streets and start legislating against the things that REALLY threaten the nuclear family.

Thank you for your time.

-Courtney Shayne

Down with DOMA, let everyone be unhappy

Tags: , , , , ,

Leave a Reply