Monotonous Barbie

Dina Goldstein Barbie Dollhouse Series

Death by Party | Dina Goldstein’s Dollhouse Series

Why is Barbie always portrayed as the modern super woman? Is this just a knee-jerk reaction to previous decades of feminist scrutiny? I suppose at some point the world decided it was bad to be skinny and pretty and well dressed and a woman thereby forcing Mattel to launch a seemingly endless line of career Barbie’s.  Vet Barbie, lifeguard Barbie, stylist Barbie, astronaut Barbie, CEO Barbie and even a POTUS Barbie. I don’t know about anyone else but I find the pressure nearly unbearable.

I’m fine with Barbie being gorgeous and perfectly coiffed and having tiny feet that are only suited for heels and having proportions that no human could ever rock while standing… that’s great. Those are goals I can set- a standard I can set my sights on achieving and appropriately flog and punish myself with cutting and purging when I fall short. But now I’m supposed to accept that the whole time Barbie is maintaining her grotesque but oh-so-desirable physique, she is also managing to get degrees and then jobs in high-power fields?? Fuck! What kind of time table is this broad working with? The hours she would have to spend every week on grooming, exercise, shopping, waxing, anal-bleaching, and writing in her Barbie dream diary would constitute more than a full time job. And now I am also supposed to believe that she is studying, testing, interviewing and working as an executive of some sort in all her spare time?All while maintaining a relationship and finding time for beach vacations with her friends? As if. Not only am I failing to attain Barbie’s level of physical perfection, I am now also failing to achieve her work ethic and corporate street smarts. I think I liked it better when she was just calling me fat and ugly.

In fact, I bet her marriage is loveless because she had to pick up a rather hefty speed habit before she finished undergrad in order to keep all the balls in the air. Sure it looks like she has it all but nobody knows about the elephant sized doses of cocaine she has to hoover down just to keep her hair perfect AND meet the more demanding deadlines at work. Her sex drive shriveled up and blew across her perfect pink bedroom like a tumbleweed years ago and Ken (who was only ever the good on paper guy anyway) stopped even pretending to be straight as soon as she got the BIG raise and remembered they never got a prenup. So, great, Barbie- I’m glad you’ve got it all worked out with your prefect face and our perfect body and your perfect job and your perfect loveless, drug-fueled marriage with your craigslist rendezvous on the side. I can’t wait to be just like you when I grow up.

-Courtney Shayne

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