Oh Carlos Danger, You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me

sydney leathers bikini photos carlos danger02 Oh Carlos Danger, Youve Got To Be Kidding Me

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My disappointments in meeting somebody online first began over five years ago when the smart phone first came out and it started becoming easier to waste time on the Internet.  The first foray into free online dating came via plentyoffish and its later cute free knock-off, okcupid.  The three or four dates I was privileged to go on were all disasters.  For the work I had to put into these sites just to have the opportunity of getting one you would think I’d have a degree in online dating.  My conclusion in the end was that the only reason I had trouble meeting somebody online was two-fold: one, my profile was too honest, and two, I’m not what a girl with even the most average looks wants.

When I first saw the pictures that were stimulating the thoughts of the 6 ft. 5 in., fit, New York mayoral candidate known as Carlos Danger, I actually envied the guy a little bit.  How could any single dude not appreciate a man in his mid-Forties getting girls in their early twenties to send the most intimate of pictures.  I couldn’t even give-away a peck on the cheek in exchange for a forty dollar dinner date.  And that was while still being in my twenties and taking out women my own age. Unfortunately I’m not the one that invented the Internet, created power-hungry slimeball male pigs, or gave women the right to choose.  And I’m most certainly not what happens when all these elements come together like this little incident between a sick pervert and, in my mind, a modern day piece of ambitious trash the media goes ga-ga for.

After stumbling upon the recent bikini photo shoot of Ms. Leathers this week, I’ve had a sea change, Carlos Danger is now the last person on Earth I’d envy.  In fact, if he’s reading this I have one thing to say to him: thanks buddy for upping the bar on what it takes to woo below average girls.  I can see why the gay community goes crazy about you because if you have to be tall, rich, and jacked to mess with the modern day everygirl all this accomplishes in the end is an increase in the pool of male men that aren’t getting none and at any given time are susceptible to being recruited.  Do you notice the woman in the picture? Look familiar?  Could’ve fooled me.  What’s up with these Forties era bikinis anyway?  Wake me up when topless beaches come back into fashion.  If I want to rekindle the Forties I’ll have my grandmother tell me stories.

You can look at this scandal and come away saying: what man in his position wouldn’t do what he did.  However I’ll most certainly argue that any married man that was in a committed relationship with his wife wouldn’t be off doing this kind of stuff.  But that’s what happens when you marry for political reasons; just like what happens when you marry for money, to please your family, for co-dependence, or simply because you feel you have to; people get off on other people.  And in reference to the married couple involved, the worst part about these two ‘political socialites’ is that they probably had a kid so they could be featured on the cover of People Magazine; that alone is despicable.  And yes, while what happened was wrong what irritates me the most is when the self-righteous women get up and say: not enough blame gets put on the young naive girls.

I got news for you, it’s always the man’s fault, that’s why we’re men.  We’re supposed to be the decision-makers.  And why should it not be this time in the online age.  It’s nothing but harder these days to get away thinking with the wrong head in a world where Don Draper is glad he doesn’t exist.  Nature has finally caught up with us.  Next thing you know, you’ll wake up one morning and modern love as you know it will be dead.  Hell, if I was president and you asked me to pick a Cabinet my first choices would all be 25 year old girls with two year terms.  I’d probably get around to at least trying to hook up with each and every one of them once.  Judging by today’s sensitive circumstances I’d also probably be impeached or if I play the political spectrum the right way have a wife who will stand by me for a hidden political agenda even after embarrassing her time and time again.  But I’m not married, a politician, nor have I ever sent a picture of my penis out to anybody.  Unfortunately, I’ve never really had anybody to send one too.  That also goes with me ever receiving a picture of a beautiful woman in all her nature.  Or in Ms. Leathers case, a kind-of-decent girl before she adds on a hundred pounds, a warehouse of whore make-up, and poorly placed pre-weight gain  tattoos.  Maybe one day enough people will read this blog and I’ll get fan mail, just make sure you’re a real woman and the photos are recent.  I won’t promise you a job but what I would do is forward any pics to the powers that be who are always looking for real modeling talent.  And for anybody that wastes another second giving either of these three poor excuses of dignity involved in this scandal any more spotlight, ever, I believe you are also part of the problem.

-Lou Cervantes

Photos courtesy of http://www.tmz.com

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One Response to “Oh Carlos Danger, You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me”

  1. [...] Bob, Sidney Leathers probably needs a hug, and Kaitlyn Hunt definitely needs one. Wait. You don’t have a [...]

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