Who Do You Voodoo?

Death by Party | Xray Eyeballs- Crystal 

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A couple years back I went through a strange funk after my relationship with a peculiar girl disintegrated.  Everything that came out of my mouth was repulsive to single women of the opposite sex.  What made this worse was that everyone else around me liked what I had to say about anything.  My opinion was valued.  The only thing that arose from any of this was people wondering why I was always lonely especially when I was the only man anybody knew that wished he was married.  Little did they know about my little miscues around single ladies.

Then it all dawned on me that the peculiar girl that I once dated must have practiced voodoo.  I saw voodoo dolls in her bedroom but who takes them seriously even if they were covered in needles.  Being the fellow English major I should’ve known from these words of feminine discomfort that she pumped into my involuntary vocabulary.  Words like ‘moist’ and ‘tits’ and of course the penchant to tell random women if I can eat their pussies.  The sight of this girl performing heinous acts on my voodoo doll would have looked much better if she was as beautiful as one of the models in this X-ray Eyeballs video but she was Asian and after the break-up she cut her hair short and began dressing like a twelve year old boy.

The jinx officially ended when I ran into her a couple of years ago at a poetry reading and brought up how horrible my life was.  I’m sure the added 50 pounds of fat since we dated helped this plea and I’m certain she left our interaction feeling sorry for me.  Lately my luck has began to change, at least in the realm of my health.  I’ve lost most of the weight and I don’t even have stretch marks.  I still say stupid things around women but that’s more along the lines of making uncomfortable political references that, quite personally, I don’t care about; or telling girls that they ‘look marvelous.’  Thankfully my prospects in life are slowly improving since this curse has been lifted.  It’s only a matter of a wink or a handshake where one day I may catch myself going to the chapel of love.

By Lou Cervantes

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