Alexander Skarsgard Is Clearly Not A Real Human

Death by Party | Cut Copy- Free Your Mind (AScars Shirtless!)

I’m on the fence between whether he’s a robot or a demi-god. Based purely on his physical perfection it would be easy to assume that he is some sort of super robot, carefully and lovingly constructed to show us what manhood can be and sent to us to both tantalize and shame us. Cut Copy makes a strong case here for the mythical creature/demigod side of the argument- why couldn’t he be sent from the great beyond? One thing is for sure…that dude can’t be made from the same old DNA and viscera that all the rest of us slobs come from.

The cold truth is that he is perfect. That kind of perfection should make me nervous but instead I find myself wondering what he smells like and if his sweat is made of unicorn tears. That is clearly some sort of divine, voodoo, mind control shit. Or maybe his robot operating system creates a vibration that turns mere humans mute and makes their undergarments spontaneously combust. Or maybe he IS made of unicorn tears and sun rays and mortals cannot withstand the splendor of his presence and so our knees go wonky and our brains start to melt. Or maybe, maybe the rulers of the planet that built his hunky robot ass are coming to destroy us and are using him as a delicious, chiseled, magnificent decoy!

Is anyone looking into this? What if Alexander Skarsgard was sent here to destroy our world? He has gained access to our brains by exploiting our vampire and television obsessions simultaneously and is perfectly poised to take over. He is the ultimate weapon. No one is safe.

I bet he tastes like heaven.

By Tricky Pitcher

Photos courtesy of

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